Just Fill the Void
by Cally Starkiller
Summary: After the 'suicide mission', everything's gone to hell. All because of one turian. Shepard is losing her her cool and Joker has to put on his cape and boots to save his Commander from falling off the edge. Oneshot. Implied Garrus/femshep.


**A simple oneshot.**

**Implied previous Garrus/femshep romance.**

**Joker and femshep friendship.**

**I own nothing.**

**Enjoy. **

* * *

Pacing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and-"EDI! Tell Shepard to stop doing that!" Joker covered his ears, groaning as Shepard's loud footsteps were being heard all over the Normandy. "Also tell her to get a hobby."'

EDI popped up at her console in Shepard's room. "Jeff wishes for you to stop pacing, Shepard."

Shepard stopped, disbelieving what she had just heard, and glanced back at the blue orb. "Seriously? Jeez EDI you really are his mom." EDI had nothing to say to that.

Shepard waved her off, her deep thoughts all gone when she was interrupted and scowled. Its been a week since the 'Suicide Mission'. A week since…Shepard stopped herself from thinking that. There was no way in hell was she going to think of his name. She had to move on. But its only been a week since Gar-"Damn it!" Shepard flipped over her swivel chair with her outraged and twitchy hands, thinking of ways to calm herself down.

She remembered the 'calming process' that she had to learn when being mentally evaluated after she got picked up from Earth and after Akuze as well. Think of nothing. Blank slate. Empty mind. Breathe in. Breathe out. Big breathes. Slowly and slowly…the sorrow drifted away.

Shepard picked back up her swivel chair, plopping herself into it with a heavy sigh. With a glance over her shoulder she saw the fallen holoframe. She picked up it up, shaky hands nearly dropping it as she brought it up to view. The holo of Kaidan had been replaced of one with her and Garrus. She let out a small gasp, dropping it, and backed off away from it as if it burned her hands.

She escaped into the bathroom, huddling into the corner, wrapping her arms around her legs. She remembered doing this multiple times down on Earth…she also remembered wanting to take a vacation down there and bring Garrus along…to show him where she lived.

Blocking the thought away Shepard got up from the corner, ignoring the criticizing mirror and decided to walk out of her room for the first time in days. She had Rupert bring her up food every once in a while but other than that…no human contact. Just an AI who reminded her to get herself re-evaluated by Chakwas and an annoying pilot who had EDI tell her to get her ass down out of her room. Such sensitivity they had for her feelings.

The slow elevator crawled its way down to the bridge, the music playing its soft classical piano tunes. It was rather calming. Shepard stepped out reluctantly, a growing murmur of excitement arising when she arrived, the crew members all staring directly at her. They tried to do it inconspicuously but failing.

Shepard continued on her way, ignoring the crew members concerned and elated greetings and pretended that they were the press after Akuze…all crowing at her and asking questions yet she had to treat them kindly. She finally made her way to the cockpit and Joker's "Commander!" disrupted her scattering thoughts.

"Hey Joker…" Shepard trailed off, standing directly behind him which annoyed Joker to no end, unable to read her facial expressions. Her face was always devoid of emotion, only grinning when off duty, her Commander façade always on. But her eyes…those dark blue eyes always showed off what she really was thinking.

"Holopads for you to sign ma'am." Joker said gruffly, unsure how to proceed. How was he supposed to know how to comfort his still grieving Commander? Sure, they were best friends…but the comforting thing…

"Thanks." Shepard said numbly, taking a swift glimpse at the stack of holopads near his workspace and skimmed the reading materials. She signed it quickly, giving her signature a little flair and could feel the awkward silence grow between her and Joker. She had completely ignored the crew after the suicide mission…after Garrus' d-"Shore leave?"

Joker glanced over his shoulder at her with a surprised look on and shrugged, complying with her orders. "You got it Commander." His completely unsympathetic stature made it hard to approach him, let alone hold up a conversation. Back before the mission, all they did was read holos together and create random banter with one another, Garrus being Rupert's errand boy whenever they got hungry.

But now…"The Citadel sound okay?" Shepard asked quietly, tilting her head at him.

"Perfect." Joker said quickly, typing in the coordinates. Joker knew why. She wanted to see Anderson. To drown in her sorrow with another friend. One that wasn't him. "Just perfect."

Not that he wasn't jealous. I mean, Anderson was a good friend of his too…if you could call it that. Or maybe she wanted to see Kaidan Alenko. Now that the turian was out of the picture, she could finally let go of the perceived love she had for Garrus and continue on things with Kaidan. Or maybe…just maybe…she wanted to be alone.

Joker wasn't even sure why he was feeling this way toward the hurt Commander. All he knew was that he hated comforting people, but that he desperately wanted to comfort Shepard. But why him?

She could go off with Tali and have a little 'girl's night out'. Or hangout with Jack and drink themselves under the tables. Or perhaps she could receive some advice from Miranda, the ever so professional one. But she could also go to Thane, that one drell who looks at her with such a longing…he heard the story about Thane and his dead wife. Maybe he thought of Shepard as his wife…

Joker shook his head.

Jacob Taylor. She could run off to him, get distracted by his ridiculous six-pack, and make mad love him to forget that there every was a turian named Garrus. Joker narrowed his eyes, glancing down at his own stomach. Just a skinny waist and partially fixed brittle bones.

Or she could have a little gossip time with Kasumi, invite a lot of people to the newly installed Normandy bar and have a 'jolly ol time'. Or listen to Zaeed rant on and on about his war stories and great fights that the old man had.

She could go to anyone. Just not him.

"Three hours and thirty minutes till we approach the Citadel. I'll have EDI remind you when we're ten minutes out." Joker said as a dismissal, wanting to be alone with his confused thoughts.

"Oh. Alright then." Did Shepard sound disappointed?

He heard the soft patter of retreating footsteps and sighed loudly, wanting to slump back in his seat but would rather not risk the chance of ruining his current comfortable position. If only Miranda had held onto that biotic shield a second longer…

Then maybe Shepard wouldn't be so silently depressed…

* * *

"Jeff. Wake up. Jeff." He could hear a sense of urgency but ignored it, trying to go back into his little dream world. "Its Miranda and Shepard." That woke him up.

"Wait…what?" Joker questioned the blue orb, rubbing at his hazel eyes with his numb hand, a small scowl in place.

"Jacob's attempts to halt the fighting have failed. And Jack isn't helping matters." Catfight. "Normally I would ask the former turian to help but…" For once EDI couldn't finish her sentence…only merely trailing off.

"_He's just a turian."_

"_He's a friend. How could you be so heartless? Its -all- your fault."_

"_Commander…I didn't mean to sound so…"_

"_And you think you have the 'perfect' biotics? Think again!"_

"_Commander I…"_

"_I'd get going if I were you Commander, more Collectors are zeroing in on your location." _

"_Yeah oka-" Static. _

"Whoa wait there a second. Just because I stopped them from splattering themselves across the walls of the base, doesn't mean I can do it again." Joker said in defense, arms held up in rejection at the idea of it.

"Nobody else is willing to go in between the two Jeff." EDI's monotonic voice almost sounded desperate.

"Yeah well I might break a rib or two…" Joker mumbled, dragging himself from his seat and going past the hallway leading out of the cockpit, everything silent. Must've been trying to hear the muffled curses a deck below.

He limped as fast as he could to the elevator, wondering how in hell he got himself mixed up in this situation again, and hit the button for the mess hall. The sight that greated him was one he would never forget.

It was like Jack vs. Miranda 2.0 and people were either terrified or amused at the sight of the two. Samara's side long stare was one of disappointment. Joker hobbled his way over to the asari Justicar, trying hard not to look down at her chest and whispered, "What's the deal? Why aren't you-"

"You were the one who was practically begging to be picked for the biotic shield! You thought you could hold it up long enough! Wrong!" Shepard…he had never seen her lose her calm before. Her eyes were on fire, her redness in her cybernetics seemingly to burn a bit brighter, biotics ablaze by her uncontrolled emotions. "I had to hear my best friend's dying screams and last breath through the comm! All because of you...because you couldn't hold up your 'perfect' biotic shield for. One. More. Second."

The only time she had lost her cool was on Virmire…but even then…she had kept her tears in check and had moved on with the mission. But this past mission with the Collectors, it just wouldn't erase from her mind. And it was literally eating her up.

"Commander, I did the best I could! I know how important the turian was to you but-"

"He's not just some turian." A cold steeliness was set in her icy tone, voice low. "He's the one who's had my back all these years. The one who believed in me and my Reaper 'fantasy'. The one who I could give a shotgun to and have him at my back and trust that he wouldn't backstab me. And his name is -Garrus Vakarian-. I suggest you remember that."

The mess hall was dead silent after that, Jack's added smirks and glares thrown at Miranda gone, Zaeed's approval written all over his face disappeared, and the chuckling of Hadley and Hawthorne dispersing.

"Commander…" Joker stepped in, all eyes on him. Miranda whipped her head around at him, hard gaze setting in. Shepard's blue haze around her arm had faded away, her emotion filled eyes barely giving him a glance.

"Its over." And that's all he could come up with. No 'I'm sorry' or 'Continue on with the catfight'. Just a simple 'Its over'. He -really- hated comforting people. He sucked at it.

Miranda's face softened, head lowering in shame. He could tell she was sorry. Not that he cared but…it was good to see in the face of the hot yet extremely unattractive personality of Miranda Lawson.

Shepard just stood there, unmoving. The rest of the crew took that as a cue to leave, the show over. "Commander I…" A sigh. "I apologize." It sounded forced and strained.

"Its okay." She whispered, the never going away pain of her loss evident in her voice. Miranda gave her a small nod, retreating back to her cabin.

Awkward silence.

"I have been kinda a bitch the last few days haven't I?" Shepard looked up at him serious, but then broke out into a wide grin, a small rumble of chuckling coming from below. Joker couldn't help but grin back, laughing a little at her.

"You have no idea Commander." Joker said right back, smirking and glad that Shepard was a few numbers more toward becoming her full self again.

"But…I'll just have to move on. Right?" Joker glanced over at Shepard's Bambi-eyed face, and knew that deep down inside…she really wasn't going to.

"Right." Joker gave her a reassuring pat on the back awkwardly, resisting the sudden urge to crawl right of his skin. Again…not so touchy feely. "Wanna watch a soap opera or two on asari? We could make fun of the krogan boyfriend again. Just like old times?" He offered.

"Just like old times." Joker started to shuffle forward. Shepard turned around, giving the main battery door a sorrowful gaze, and slowly edged away from it.

All she would have to do is just fill the void. Fill the void with a good friend named Joker. And just pretend that a turian friend named Garrus Vakarian never existed.

Whispering softly to herself, the poem one of Ashley's, making it a silent vow.

"In and out.

We are all but lost.

From door to door.

To world to world.

I ask but only one thing.

Stay with me tonight.

And help me ignore this emptiness.

And agree to everything I say.

Whether it be absurd,

Or pleasing.

To take the person I once knew away.

Let them die in my memories.

Let me forget.

Just fill the void."


End file.
